A Greek tragedy

If there is one thing we are all craving right now, it’s a holiday.
Warmer climates, reclining loungers, the 6pm shower before the pre-drinking starts, phwarr nothing like it. I was thinking about all of my travels (which doesn’t take long, I didn’t go abroad until I was 20) when I remembered a specific moment on a trip to Greece.

It was my annual girl’s trip with my friend Nikki, and having been to Spain the year before, we wanted to try something more exotic. When aimlessly scrolling through the travel website for somewhere to go we stumbled across Kavos. I vaguely remembered it featuring on almost every episode of Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents, so assumed we would be in for a good time.

We packed our sun cream (factor 50 for me) and our bikinis and headed to Greece. I must take this moment to say that Kavos, is a shithole. There is no dancing around it. All the restaurants serve predominantly English food (bluergh!), the streets are lined with litter and the beach occupied with rough sand and rougher clientele.

Nevertheless, we were determined to have a nice time. We ate cheese and ham toasties for lunch instead of feta and olives, and we swerved locals on mopeds who would throw FREE SHOT vouchers up in the air for everyone to grab. Most people were too pissed to catch anything other than an STD, so the vouchers just blew towards the sea (explaining the litter).

After a night drinking something called ‘The Headbanger’ in an Irish themed bar, our penultimate day was spent lounging around the pool, sweating out the all the carbs we had eaten and the strange concoction we had over indulged in the night before. I spent hours bobbing about in the pool, straddling a pool noodle for balance, only leaving to get more Salt and Vinegar Lay’s.

I returned to my sunbed and put my hat back on.
That’s odd I thought, it won’t go on.
“My hat’s shrunk!” I said to Nikki.

“I don’t think wicker trilby’s can shrink?” she replied, sarcastically.

I ran to our room and sure enough, my worst fear was confirmed.
The hat had not shrunk. My forehead had expanded due to the heat.
I am not built to handle consistent 40 degree heat (hence the factor 50 and the hat) and the heat had made my face and forehead swell massively.
I looked like a character from Avatar.

‘If only it had made my lips swell’ I thought! But no, I wasn’t lucky enough to have strategic swelling. This was a head-on collision with mother nature, and she had screwed me over.

“Shall we paint you blue like an Avatar?” Nikki questioned.

“Shut up, you know i’m allergic to face paint. Besides you don’t have any fancy dress so I can’t go wandering around painted blue and you dressed in your regular clothes. I’ll look ridiculous!”

I was holding back laughter. To be fair, it was hilarious. I looked so funny, we both rolled about laughing. This is just so typically something that would happen to me, we had to laugh. I’m so bloody English, three days in Greece and my body starts shutting down. Imagine if we had booked a fortnight? I’d come away looking like the Michelin Man with tan lines*.

*Sunburn lines

If i’m honest, it took me around 15 minutes to come to the conclusion that I had Malaria. A quick and slightly frantic trip to the local English ex-pat Pharmacist quickly put my mind (and forehead) at ease. After the sniggering stopped, she prescribed an afternoons rest with an ice pack on my FACE.
So much for making the most of our last day.
Anyway, I dutifully obliged and was annoyed to see the swelling hadn’t gone down by the evening.

Balls to it. I’m not spending the last night sat in a room sulking.
We’re going out! It was time for a super sickly Peach schnapps to celebrate.

So, with my nose, eyelids and forehead slowly merging together, we headed out for our final night in Kavos.

For one last time we had bangers and mash for dinner (honestly, it wasn’t the heat for it but it was that or another night of Spaghetti Bolognaise), danced to Chris Brown and laughed at the incredibly strong smell of Lynx Africa wafting over from hoards of teenage boys.

“Christ, don’t strike a match whatever you do! Sixth Forms across the country will lose 40% of pupils if we take this lot out in one sweep!” I warned Nikki.

Despite Kavos having it’s many,many flaws, we still had a nice time.

It didn’t matter about the location, it was the time spent together that made it fun, which proves you can still have fun and make memories regardless of the location.

Besides, at least in lock down my face can’t treble in size…


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