The happy couple

I ruddy love them. The food, the drinks, the cheer, the inappropriate slut drops. It’s great.
I’ve been invited to a fair few in recent years – Sikh weddings, Hindu weddings, church weddings, hotel weddings, big flashy ones, small intimate ceremonies, each fabulous in its own way. But the more weddings I attend and as the allure slowly fades, I’m seeing that weddings aren’t necessarily all love and light.

Guests fret and ponder for weeks, nay, months over what to wear on the day.
Need to be comfortable, yet chic.
Something slim fitting but hides bloating and is feminine but definitely NOT WHITE.
Creams, blush pinks and pastel blues are acceptable, but not ideal when you have red wine and cream of tomato soup to maneuver without leaving a trace of said treats down your front.

And after you splash £70 on *the* dress, can you wear it again to another wedding in the same year? NO sir you cannot!*
*Except if none of the guests are the same and you take selfies from an angle that hides the outfit.

You CANNOT be late. At all. If you aren’t there to meet the best man and be handed your order of service you are NOT entering. And I am fine with that. I agree. If my name isn’t down I am NOT coming in.
Imagine being the guests that pour into the church red in the face, out of breath and mouthing ‘SORRY’ to the mothers and grandmothers of the betrothed (because they will be the ones giving you the eyes).
You become so obsessed with not being late that you end up driving erratically, snapping at your partner and leaving yourself with no time to enjoy the morning of the day and end up resenting the whole palaver.

The happy couple and their families are majorly stressed, hoping nothing goes wrong and that everyone else has a good time. Surely for them the wedding day is the worst. All the build-up, the nerves, the worry and the tears culminates in the realisation that it’s all over. It’s all dress fittings and cake tasting and then BAM! – half the guests have wandered off pissed and it dawns on you that you have just spent £20k on a lavish party.

The complimentary drinks always get abused. I saw a guest at a recent wedding take FOUR flutes of champagne from a tray and disappear behind a wall (to down them I imagine!?) It was quite impressive to see him carry them to be fair.
I thought he was just going to take the whole tray and balance it on his head, leaving the other two hands to hide his face so he could go incognito in this heist.
AND – Whoever decided to come with the notion there should always be ‘2white 2 red’ on a table of guests clearly gets some sick pleasure out of watching people swallow down vomit after jumping for 3 consecutive minutes to The Killers ‘Mr Brightside’ on the dance floor.

Of all the weddings I have been to, the bride and groom always say that they never really get a chance to drink the champagne, eat the canapés or get involved in the wedding day atmosphere. For them, it’s a 3hr photo shoot with various relatives, colleagues and neighbours. I saw the bride at one wedding reaching her arm out for a photo with the waiter, only because she was on auto-photo-pilot and had to get a snap with everyone there.
The poor kid looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up, waistcoat, tray of drinks and all.

Speeches are a nerve wracking white knuckle ride for 5 minutes for most of the wedding party. At a recent wedding I went to the groom vomited 2 minutes before his speech because he was so nervous and when I glanced over to the best man when we were waiting for our food to arrive he had adopted a manic stare into the distance. He didn’t blink for the duration of my starter. I was worried he was having an ‘episode’, but how would you raise that?

“Sorry to interrupt your first meal as a married couple but your brother is looking like a cheaply manufactured waxwork and hasn’t moved in 5 minutes. Frankly it’s putting me off my salmon.”

Then the guests get far too drunk on the aforementioned 2white 2red combo and it usually ends in arguments between couples, missed taxis and twisted ankles thanks to the 5″ stilettos you bought specifically for the day. At a wedding I recently went to, my boyfriend and I indulged FAR TOO MUCH in the red wine and free pizza (best wedding ever) which ultimately ended up in an explosion of sick back in the hotel loo, the bathroom being ‘washed down’ (walls and all) with the shower (yes – it flooded) and then subsequently all the toilet paper and towels being used to mop it up. (NONE OF THE ABOVE WERE MY ACTIONS!)

On numerous occasions I have woken up the following morning with a handbag bursting with place cards, candles from centrepieces and napkins which I have taken from the table. I don’t know why I do it!
I’m obviously thinking ‘aww I want a memento’ and then the next day I spend five minutes sorting through my bag, rolling my eyes at myself and throwing it all away.

The next time you are at a wedding, look around throughout the day. Smiles will be in abundance, kisses and bubbles with flow  but there will probably only be a couple of genuinely happy people there and it won’t be the two you would imagine.

You will also see me, bleary eyed with red wine stained teeth wandering around with a clutch bag bursting with napkin rings (sorry for my actions!).


One Comment

  1. Hahaha definitely didn’t see you putting anythingin your handbag at our wedding…. Xxx

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